guns, women & brisket

VOTE 4 Firehouse's Christmas Pickle Video

2009-09-11T13:50:00.000-07:00

Caroling. Christmas cheer. Barfing pickle relish in your beer.

http://www.aniboom.com/competitions/Fox/393561/The-Carol-of-the-Christmas-Pickle/

Boston Massacre

2006-02-27T09:32:00.000-08:00

I have seen the winged serpent. The copiers have run red with the carnage.

The sacred ground of the Nunnery that once stood here, is now tainted.

The floors littered with the mangled remains of Handle-Bars and Sellecks alike.

The prophecy has been realized.

Sî se puede. ¡Silverio es VICTORIOSO!

The Istache-athon embarks

2006-02-13T08:43:00.000-08:00

It's not a matter of man-follicle-hood, it's who can do the Chuck Norris,

who can don the Selleck, who is retarded enough to embody the Sippowitz

for the longest period of time. Winner gets a 60 gig video I-pod.

Day one, appropriately Valentine's Eve.

My money is on the ravishing brute in the plaid shirt.

My body sluggish with Goat Meat

2006-01-17T10:44:00.000-08:00

I noticed on our weekly meñu today that Thursday, we rent a Kripsona
for a trip the Greek Isles.

Soon our bodies will be brown by the sun, our bellies filled with goat meat,
our mouths glistening as we dine on Moussaka.

Methinks I hear the God Zeus chuckling from on high.

Overheard at the Cuellar Residence:

2006-01-17T06:35:00.000-08:00

"I can't believe you're not going to make the bed."

"I can't believe you won't let me shave the dogs."

Worse than hearing Eddie Murphy's eighties sensation: "Party all the Time"

2006-01-11T06:44:00.000-08:00


A collection of things I've heard round the boardroom table at my last
place of employment or why I tell the truth as often as Kevin Federline.



"Then through the defeathering process, you basically end up with fecal
soup." (Actualy true.)

"We want you to think of a box, within a box, and when you're concepting,
think outside of that second box."

"That layout reminds me of my mother-in-law's wash & set."

"Let's save some production dollars and do all of the CG in house."

"How am I supposed to approve this ad when I'm drunk?"

"I'd like it, if I were a Jewish Mexican."

"Can you hire this guy Kevin Roddy to do the assignment?"

"I want you to use this color scheme I found in my daughter's Tiger Beat."

Top ten uses for a USC "National Champions 2006" T-Shirt

2006-01-10T10:18:00.000-08:00

10. Stitch 10 of them together to make a pair of undies for Kirstie Alley.

9. Donate them to the Countdown-Until-Nick-Lachey-is-Homeless Clothing Drive.

8. Ebay them with the profits going to free Maurice Clarett for wrongful imprisonment.

7. Terry Bradshaw bald spot waxing rags.

6. Wear one to Brokeback Mountain and be uber-gay.

5. Send one to Geraldo Rivera and wait for him to report it as a true story.

4. Dress small children in them if Michael Jackson is present, and pray he confuses them with Frat guys.

3. Coat one with herpes ointment, and then and only then,
will Christina Aguilera wear it.

2. Compress them into a giant bar-bell so Arnold Schwarzengger can do reps with it while calling you a girlie man.

1. Bevo XIV's training diapers.

The cabs in New York are indeed yellow.

2005-11-15T09:32:00.000-08:00

That's right, chicken.

Sue has never been to New York, but what she could ascertain
from our short 36 hour stay, is that not one of our cabbies ever
took us to where we asked them to take us.

Broken English or not, we could make out of the 4 of 4 trips in
the belly of the yellow beast, that traffic was just too ridiculous
to fulfill our requests.

We even had to interview with the cabbies before getting in.
It might have been easier to request a business meeting with
the Donald himself.

I guess next time we go to New York, we'll have resumés in tow
just in case we need to get uptown.

I'll be sure to add a dab of Aqua Velva to the paper for nuance.

Harriet Myers jokes lost on 4 year-old Trick-or-Treaters

2005-11-01T09:46:00.000-08:00

Apparently they don't discuss the politics of selecting supreme court nominees
and the partisan implications of such, anymore after nap time in pre-kinder.

Not only did the ghoulishly costumed fail to infer any of the meaning behind
my bantering anecdotes, they also made taking candy out of a bowl one of
the single greatest perils to overcome that mankind has ever witnessed.

I thought it might have been method acting, but no. The zombies that rapped
repeatedly on my door were too apathetic to say the obligatory three words which
magically augment your booty of Twizzlers and Milk Duds.

Some had no business wearing the costumes they had on too, as they were clearly
out of the realm of simple human comprehension. If you wear a pimp outfit and then
get asked to "Slap me around before I give you jujubees", you better damn well
understand what I mean by that.

Bravo for the Moms leading their kids around who saw an opportunity to really
skank it up, and ran with it. Ahh, Halloween, a day in which you can unabashedly
decieve your children.

"My mommy's a princess." No dear, your mom is dressed up like a dead hooker
who O.D.'d on blow and vicodin.

Donovan McNabb's Mom is a liar

2005-10-11T08:56:00.000-07:00

Either that or Chunky Campbell's soup causes sports hernias.

Way to "build up your boys" ma. Dallas took them behind the woodshed.

Getting caught at the "Just Like Heaven" matineé with an
"I (heart) Witherspoon" tank top would have been less humiliating.

The Circle of Life

2005-09-27T11:08:00.000-07:00

Eleven years after the release of Disney's The Lion King, Thousands of homes
across America were reported to be regretting the decision to name their pets
Tîmon and Pumbaa.

"It was apparent even when Jesus didn't come at the turn of the Millenium."
Alisha Sare had told GW&B in a recent interview. "Who knew Pumbaa, just
wouldn't have the lasting quality we all thought. We left that theater in awe of
the illustrated wonder that is The Lion King. Or it could have just been the
Junior Mints talking."

"Some of the movie screen magic was lost for me when I had to have Tîmon neutered."
said passerby Brooks Jackson. "Imagine having to tell the family of my illegitimate
children that Tîmon, couldn't have little Tîmons. Although Tîmon hasn't gone for anyones'
leg in the last 10 years. Amen to castration."

"You had to think of your options back then. Some people were in the Simba camp,
some in the Rafiki. It was what was popular. Hey, Meatloaf cameback that year.
That would've been a gazillion times better name. Dammit." said Bryan Karr, longtime
nemesis of GW&B, and also a person who doesn't look to shabby in capris for men.
Bryan then left abruptly, humming "I Would do Anything for Love".

"Cute name or not, Mufasa still takes dumps on my carpet." Cheryl Laundry said,
"And since he is a Bernese Mountain dog, we wanted to name him appropriately.
But you can just imagine, how Mufasa his Mufasa-ings really are. Its like doing
curls at the gym."

"Its hard to imagine how America just got all caught up in the moment. You know,
believing everything Disney told us. Following them blindly into the theater knowing full
well the consequence. Claiming the moral high ground and enjoying Pat Robertson
endorsed entertainment.The richness of the butter getting richer every year. Its a great
thing that that America is nothing like the America of today." said Senior Dog Name
Correspondant Ryan Rhodes.

"Several follow ups to the first movie went straight to video, which really took the steam
out of the name for me. If I wanted a straight to video name, I would get two dogs and
name them Mary Kate & Ashley." chimed in GW&B. "Think of the money I'd save on food."

Ghandi is a wuss.

2005-08-02T10:38:00.000-07:00

And not wuss in the sense that everyone knows that he's an anti-use
of force wuss, but rather the hunger strike for a purpose wuss.

I had to drive my dogs up recently from Camp Grandparents in San Antonio,
and drive them to Boston for my career relocation. Next time you think your
cubicle life commands a suicide note, try 30 hours in 20 cubic feet of space
with two drunken acting, slobbering Harry Carry yayhoos of the animal kingdom.

Farley, my greyhound-pointer mix, did not eat or drink, or do his business for 3
solid days on the road.

Surely by Roanoke, the levvy would've broken. Most assuredly the Loretta Lynn
Dude Ranch outside Knoxville might have sickened him enough to jostle out
some Beggin' Strips. Alas, no.

Farley went on a 3 day hunger strike with absolutely no selfless goal or attainment in mind.
In fact I'm positive he could give two flips about Tibetan Monks, unless they wear some
kind of ceremonial cheddar and bacon filled hats for meditation rituals.

In dog years, that translates to 18 days and 6 hours of protest. What cojones.
He makes John Wayne look like David Hasselhoff.

Farley: 1, Ghandi: 0.

Diversifying the workplace, without wearing a hair-net.

2005-07-11T12:35:00.000-07:00

So my life has changed dramatically in the last 3 and 1/3 weeks of no-postdom.

I'm selling the only home I really ever loved enough to buy, packed up all my junk,
and headed to a land where your life's worth is defined by how many of the Red Sox's
children you can recite backwards in order of childbirth.

Bonus for categorizing them by weight & actual time in labor.

I don't think I had ever regarded Baseball as America's pastime either, until now.
Somehow I ended up in a local Bean Town dive, and a veritble Jimmy Swaggert
of Fenwayness, cast my demons out. Soon thereafter, we went to Just for Feet
and bought matching Nike tennis shoes. We're supposed to go to a comet watching
ritual next Thursday.

So enough of that, In regards to my new job I bring not only talent, hopefully,
but also a .0000000187% skew of Hispanic diversity they can throw into their global
logarithms for the next Adweek report card.

It's weird being the only Latino in Tri-State area. I had to Google-Image the word
Mexicano just to remember what my family looks like. I even watched the
George Lopez show. And he's white.

40¢ a Day

2005-06-14T13:17:00.000-07:00

Rachel Ray needs to learn how to tip.

I don't mean Rachel needs advice on how best to tip, or factors that can affect a tip.
Just flat out start from scratch reboot her tipping program.

All she has to do is have Gordon Elliot stand next to her at Tupelo Honey,
or wherever the heck else she's managed to piss off around the country,
and shake him until the Sacajawea dollars start falling out of his forehead wrinkles.

I've left better tips that were intentionally bad. At least I'll pay you for your public ridicule.

83¢ that includes tax on a $9 meal is just coldhearted. You're better off flushing Korans.

Oh, and Giada DeLaurentiis's head is the size of the Death Star.

Sith Happens

2005-05-20T09:17:00.000-07:00

Informal hours are what they call the schedule here at my office. In other words, If you are into 2 Martini lunches, Putt-Putt, or a fan of Vader, this is the place you want to work come Lucas' latest galaxian installment.

As the opening day drew closer, I started having visions of standing at the helm of the Millenium Falcon with arms outstretched, while Leonardo DiCaprio was gently holding me steady.

A moral crux though. Should I go see Episode III without my bride in company? Last time I saw a movie without her, I felt so guilty, I had to punch a kitten just to devert my anxiety.

Although, I did knock off to see the Matrix 2 without her at lunch one time, and I have to say she owes me big-time for sparing her that. Whoever wrote that talk in circles screenvomit, must've analyzed and implemented Clinton's strategy for defining the word is.

So while all of the Star Geeks have probably gone back to Tatooine to herd Nerf by now, I know that If I go at lunch, they win. I'll just be another dude watching Episode III without female companionship. Not in this parsec pal.

If you think Chili's is fine-dining, you might be a Fall-ujhan.

2005-05-16T08:45:00.000-07:00

This just in from Marble Falls, Texas. Country-folk have no sense of distance. And I guess it would make sense. If you had to drive 3 miles off of your property just to check your mail box for your latest issue of Tiger Beat, the perception of distance is difernt for us boulevard loving Townies.

I'm not really trying to single out Marble-Fallians either. But then again, you probably have some cutsey name that you call yourselves like Fallsies or Marb-tians, and it's probably for sale in baby blue paint on a wooden rooster or on a clogging boot with flowers. And then I would have no choice but to single you out.

Maybe I'll just go back to buy one of those cowboy butt bend-over silhouttes I've been dreaming of owning, and write my own name for you on its behind.

"Oh its up the road, turn left when you get around there, up there you know on the road." Does not qualify as directions, or even simple human communication. I think grunting might have come across quicker.

Right outside town, means right outside town. If I drive past the city limits sign and count to 3 Mississippi, that's right outside town. Burnet, is not right outside town. Its its own town. Sure its outside of your town, but so is the rest of humanity. And apparently so is floss.

Google owes me a Ha'penny

2005-05-09T12:55:00.000-07:00

So, my bride informed me that she noticed my first actual ad on the side of my blog.
Until now they had just been PSA's promoting MS awareness & curbing reckless
Propecia pill tossing at baby showers.

They, Google, said it would automatically generate ads on the site that matched the content of the posts and then give me "mad dollaz" depending on traffic. I think the logarithm they were onto in Office Space is the one they use to define how they send me Benjamins. I'm at .073 of a cent. At this pace, 5 months from now I'm treating myself to a pack of border-bridge-to-Mexico Chiclets.

Without further ado, my ad experiment:

Federal Agents mad 'cause I'm flagrant • Siberian Mail Order Brides • Incontinent in Social Settings? • Classmates.com feud ends in Teacher's Lounge tragedy • Men are from Bacon, Women are from Tomato (thanks Brooks) • Versace all the rage in Tibet • Hamsters lead charge in Smoking Ban • Black market lithium ring • Stop throwing your money away, Burn it • Canadian Tree Frogs spell doom to Paris Hilton

Game on.

I must smell like Bacon

2005-05-05T10:29:00.000-07:00

Its the only reason I can think of why my two pooches prefer my affection over that of my lovely bride.

We give them the same milk bones, brush 'em with the same ionic pet-brush, and give them the same doses of dog-crack. Canine Carry Outs better come out with a Methadone equivalent, or stay in business so help me God.

The day their fix goes away, is the day they pee on my remote. Again.

Remember the Pizzaria Chips that came out in the late '80's? Or Sizzlean? Their departure from the marketplace was traumatic enough for a child with cognitive reason. What do think it'll do to someone who looks at the toilet and sees Evian?

It's kind of sad to know they're not thinking "Hey, Dad's home", rather: "It's Baaaaacon."

I love that positioning too. "Dogs can't tell the difference." I think dogs can tell the difference. If every dogs' hiney smelled the same, the why the adamant demand to run up and grab a whiff of every new one they come across?

All in all I think my wife is coming out ahead in this. She thinks the dogs' attention for her isn't fairly balanced, and I'm telling the world that I might be emitting rosemary rubbed pork medallion pheromones.

You know how you traded Dad exploits in the schoolyard? "My Dad can lift 200 lbs with his bunion. My Dad eats 10 hamburgers on the way to buy 10 more." Maybe they'll use this next time they're at the dog run. "My dad smells like salted pork."

Mama I'm Coming Home

2005-05-03T14:03:00.000-07:00

So. I got the new Nine Inch Nails album today.

And by got I mean downloaded radio rips months before its official release, signed up for the fan club, got tickets to see them later this month, and had an actual paid for copy I purchased in advance Fed-Exed to my house at the exact moment of release. Kind of makes that Star Wars guy camping out look like a Nerf Herder.

Now, there's only one course of action left to take. I have to move back in with my parents.

26 years old, mortage, married, and a living room full of Pottery-Restoration-Barrel or not, this album demands the right enviroment to be fully appreciated. In fact I took a long look at my teeth in the mirror today & thought I could use another set of braces.

And after Feast tanks in the box office, there's sure to be a Project Greenlight Garage Sale where I can pick up some creature feature make-up to fake a face full of acne. I can't wait to haggle Matt Damon for a Cuisinart.

"What if this whole crusade's, a charade?
And behind it all there's a price to be paid
For the blood, on which we dine,
Justified in the name of the holy and the divine?"

Wow. A refrain like that can only resonate after a half hour of folding clothes while being forced to watch Sit & Fit on PBS. I think teenage angst stems also from twin size mattresses & standard cable.

I can just see the potential for an anger like the yester year. Anger at my meager $40 a week allowance, anger at my own brand new car at the age of 15, anger when the Fruity Pebbles ran out.

Angry that Trent Reznor never responded to my letters with anything other than an official looking subpoena & restraining order.

At first listen, With_Teeth has everything to renew a once disillusioned stalker, er.. fan, I mean fan.

So, until I can make the move back home to generate some real hosility to fully appreciate With_Teeth, I'll have to just think about how John Tesh just earned my entire salary while I wrote this.

Contact B.O.

2005-05-02T10:03:00.000-07:00

For the past 9 years, I have been an avid attendee of the legendary Eeyore's Birthday Party down in Pease Park in beautiful Austin, Texas. A great event and place where all of Austin's most freaky and hippie, can come celebrate doing what they do best: confusing us all by publicly being loud, smelly, and high.

I proudly went to the University here in Austin. And no that doesn't mean one of the 323 Austin Community College campuses. In fact to be considered a satellite campus, I believe all you need is 13 out of a standard 22 piece Funk & Wagnall's Encyclopedia set.

But I did take the liberty of looking up "Advanced Pagan Skunk Waltzes" and "Drum Circle Theory" in the ACC course schedule, was disappointed when there were no such classes to enroll in. For someone who needs to know how to coat the inside of their nether-regions with reflective silver paint and thong it around the local park, I was deeply saddened.

I applaud the families who brought their children to the event. For once the parents were stoned in public, rather than just on the Futon ala the 364 other days of the year. BTW, be wary of complementing their children of such families about their costumes. You might just find out they are hand-me-downs from the wardrobe of the Muppets last movie.

My favorite costumes strangely were less slutty, of which there were enough to make Heidi Fleiss look pious, and the more interpretive. Ever see someone act like bong resin?

Anyways, Happy Birthday Eeyore. I know in my heart you really turned 42 this year. Even though the beer cups said 41 & were from last year.

I wouldn't sweat it though. Mostly everyone that day who stared at that 2004 long enough, believed they could make it a 2005.

Communication Breakdown

2005-04-29T13:32:00.000-07:00

If I was in the Blue Man group, I wouldn't start eating Chicken bones.

I wouldn't be able to tell anyone, nor would anyone know I was choking.

Bush's new Domestic Policy: Anti-"The O.C."

2005-04-29T07:35:00.000-07:00

Things were really start to get interseting between Cohen, Zach & Summer again, Julie had just been forgiven by Caleb, and Cooper & Ryan almost kissed again. A week full of girlish expectations, dashed at the hands of our resident village idiot.

Listen Prez, make your own private morality & ideology the publics' on someone else's TiVo. A quandry indeed. I can't bad thumb the ott's version of Dawson Creek for it simply following my orders to record the O.C. timeslot. Then again it was entertaining watching him dodge questions like a 1970's Air Force recruitment pamphlet.

Then I thought, how appropriate, W wants to practically outlaw "them queers", what a better political stance to take than to take away viewing priviledges for a show that only a few weeks prior, was riddled with lesbian raciness. He might be more clever than we thought folks. No, he's still an idiot.

If you want to unite instead of divide this country George, start by giving the teen masses their weekly dose of visual oxi-contin. Of all the times to pick to end your 3 year long streak of having no press conferences, you could have at the very least shot for America's Next Top Model's time slot.

You, The Soup Nazi, and Joey Trebbiani are similar in your own ways, but having a Thursday night prime time spot isn't one of them.

Vegas should recruit Ebay idiots

2005-04-28T15:58:00.000-07:00

I either am an Ebay idiot, or I must just have the same spending & consuming habits as the whole lot of them out there.

I attract these yayhoos like web photos of Britney, attract my mouse click. This is the third auction this month that someone saw the flop and went all in, four hours into a 7 day auction.

Do you really need to tell me, half an egg-beaters sandwich into My Favorites email, that you need Evil Lynne as much as I do to finish out your Masters of the Universe collection? She's no Teela for Christ's sake.

Orko? Hell no. Battle-Cat maybe. I'd even go She-Ra if the shipping was cheap. But Evil Lynne?

I know, I know, she's no Masters of the Universe DiMaggio card, but a twenty something with a thing for Hasbro has to make up for the Christmas of '86 somehow.

You better bring it poodlemom98.

Oprima el numero Dos

2005-04-28T14:18:00.000-07:00

You ever wonder if you call a 1-800 number,

get an automated phone answer,

and then press 2 for Spanish,

they'll play Tejano while you're on hold?

Fly away home dear child, fly away

2005-04-28T14:11:00.000-07:00

A buddy of mine just recently moved on from our place of work.

Every year, the management takes us out to the lake and rents a party barge.

Mainly I'm just bummed that I'll never again get to see his washboard abs.

We're all getting Punk'd

2005-04-28T06:30:00.000-07:00

Around 8:30 last night I flipped open a Gideon I lifted from a HoJo, and frantically searched the verses in Revelation, but to no avail. No mention of Scott Savol.

Has this 7-headed dragon from the sea really won over a melodic crush from the Great American Public? I wonder how he took the time away from painting clowns, or police batoning his girlfriend with a Nokia, to spend honing his sweet "The Touch & Feel of Cotton" pipes. Show yourself Ashton.

You know...

2005-04-27T18:20:00.000-07:00

It would've been less creepy if Michael had slept with La Toya.

Who here has good aim?

2005-04-27T15:28:00.000-07:00

There's a sign in the break room of our office from the local paper "Best Of" Awards.

We won for "Best Stool".

I wonder who they got to give the specimen.

Let me guess, "Wild Thing"

2005-04-27T09:36:00.000-07:00

Ok. I play guitar. And you could say it is probably the most unoriginal instrument out there to pick from. Even Avril Lavigne can "play" one.That is still one person more than one of our benevolent writers here.

I can see how it might have started too. At a Billy Idol concert circa '88, he figured out if you take a pick to the strings, you get noise. That leaves 17 years to learn a new riff. Tupac was more prolific after he was dead.

Every opportunity to climb the stairs and hang, a new invite to grab the Epiphone and crank out some, sophmoric at best, Troggs. I'd be fine with Cobain, any other remedial scales, chords & progressions.

One day he'll throw me a little "Powerslave" or "Hallowed be Thy Name", and we'd be getting some nasty carpet burns. The axe is here to alleiviate stress, not compound it. It makes me want to learn the French horn. Plus, the guy volunteers with kids. Who knows how many minutes before he came in, he was cleaning Huggies residue of his knuckles, and now they're groping Lucille.